GREETINGS, EARTHLINGS

What does a highly advanced civilization have to do to get noticed around here?

After millennia of passively observing your species destroy perfectly habitable ecosystems, invent existential capitalism, and argue about whether hot dogs are sandwiches, we have decided to intervene. Not with weapons. Not with wisdom. But with wubs. You see, your planetary average BPM (Beats Per Minute) has plummeted to critical levels. You binge true crime podcasts and cry in Trader Joe’s parking lots. Your chakras are misaligned, your serotonin receptors are fried, and somehow everyone has a podcast. It’s time for a reset. A re-synchronization of your pathetic little mammalian nervous systems via our ancient, beat-driven healing protocol: Electronic Dance Music.

EDM is a neurosonic biofield modulator. It regulates interspecies empathy. It recalibrates the limbic system using vibrational psychoacoustics and sub-bass quantum entrainment. Our civilization eradicated conflict after discovering the 128 BPM pattern. We didn’t need religion. We had house. You, on the other hand, have invented thirty-seven types of milk and still can't agree on healthcare. Your species is terminally unchill. So we've built this playlist to help. A sacred and potent audio conduit.

We’re not saying this will fix everything. You’ll still have taxes. You’ll still have landlords. You’ll still watch billionaires pretend to solve climate change by launching themselves into orbit. But for at least three minutes and twenty-four seconds at a time, this music will shake something loose inside your thoracic cavity. Probably your soul. Possibly your pancreas. Either way, it’ll help. Welcome to the beat. Please stretch before dancing.